The closest I ever came to committing suicide involved holding a loaded gun to my head. It was a few weeks after my fiancée, Dan, had committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. When my finger touched the trigger, it was pure exhilaration. There was no sadness, no despair, no darkness. It was pure joy. When I began to increase the pressure on the trigger, everything that had ever been in my life just opened up and fell away from me.