What’s Your Story?

6

Are you now, or have you in the past, struggled with Depression or thoughts of suicide?

Have you experienced grief of any kind?

Are you a suicide survivor?

Do you have words of encouragement or advice for someone who may be suffering from depression or grief?

HOPE

Tell us your story. Sharing is caring, and your words of survival may be just what someone else needs to hear right now.

36 Comments

36 thoughts on “What’s Your Story?

  1. Hi Carrie,

    I’m so glad you stopped by my blog, otherwise I would have never known about your blog, or the wonderful advocacy work you are doing. Before I share, I want to apologize in advance for the length of this post. I suspect it will turn out to be lengthy, but I hope that in some small way, what I end up sharing, will be beneficial to others. I also want you to now that I understand. I will admit that I have wept a few times as I read posts in your blog. I was especially moved by your post “Suicide Who’s To Blame”.

    “What have you done to my son”, were the first words I heard out of my mother-in-law’s mouth as she went into shock after arriving on the scene, and seeing her son, my partner and husband of 7 years, lying in a pool of blood still flowing out from his body. There was brain matter, and blood splattered all over our bedroom wall, furniture and linens, and pieces of skull were scattered everywhere. He had shot himself in the head with a double-barreled shotgun, through his mouth. The blast was so powerful that half his brain blew out the screened window and onto the ground, outside. I was home at the time this happened, in the living room, nursing our 11 day old baby. In his parting, he left behind a beautiful daughter. That was 28 years ago. Rarely, do I share ‘my story’ in such detail with anyone, but I thank you for giving me the opportunity to do so here. I will share details I’ve never shared with anyone before, not even with my own family.

    After his suicide, I did not seek counseling, nor got involved in any support groups, though I wished I had. Having a new born kept me very busy, and in many ways, being a new mother with an infant, who needed my full attention, was a blessing. I will give you a little background about my partner, Greg. We met in Washington, DC, both about 2000 miles away from home states, starting our new lives and careers as young adults. I had been in D.C. for about a year before we met. He was fresh out of college and aspired to become an FBI agent. About six months after meeting, he proposed. Greg was one of the most beautiful people I had ever met—a man with much integrity, who also had a humanitarian heart. I felt so fortunate that our paths crossed, and I was deeply in love with his soul. We moved back to his small hometown, as he didn’t like the hustle and bustle of city life and didn’t think it would be a good place to eventually raise a family.

    The first year of marriage was shear bliss. Well, I focused on the love we had for each other. In reality, the move was a difficult transition for me because I had grown to love my job, the city energy and meeting people from all walks of life; but the trade-off seemed worth it. I was with my soul mate. The thing about being so in love is that, as you said in one of your posts, “love is blind.” I have come to learn, through research, how true that is, neurologically speaking. Circuitry in certain parts of our brain become disengaged in social assessment and fear, so when we love someone deeply, such as a child, partner, pet or God, we can overlook ‘flaws’, and certain behaviors, or not see them at all. The reality was, Greg was battling with bouts of depression, and as the honeymoon period (surges of dopamine) began to where off, his mood swings became more apparent to me. For a season, dopamine and oxytocin buffered his depression.

    About 5 years into our marriage, he really started to pull away and wanted to have his own bedroom. It caused me to become very self-reflective, and I thought it was my fault, although I could not figure out what I had done wrong to make him pull away. He would reassure me that I had done nothing wrong; that it was him. He grew to dislike sunlight, and darkened his bedroom windows. He also chose to work the night shift, and slept during the day. This only served to exacerbate his depression. He spent more and more time alone and seemed to want it that way. His depression worsened and I started noticing paranoid type behavior and over analyzing everything. He also became hyper-religious and would wake me up in the middle of the night to read the Bible to me. I honestly didn’t know what to make of his behavior, but I tried to be supportive. These were red flags, yet I didn’t recognize them at the time. “Hyperreligiosity is a major feature of mania, obsessive-compulsive disorder, schizophrenia, temporal-lobe epilepsy and related disorders.” http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16439158

    About 7 months before he took his life, he became quite emotionally abusive and controlling. Once, he came home from work and flew into a rage because he thought I had not brought to his attention what he thought was an important piece of mail from the IRS. He hit me so hard I fell to the ground, face down. I was pregnant at the time. I was fortunate that i didn’t lose the baby. He cried afterwards for what he had done. The piece of mail he thought was so important was actually junk mail. I became very confused with his behavior. Thoughts of leaving him started to enter my mind. This was not the man I had married, yet I was still tempted to blame myself for his unhappiness. His depression got worse.

    He did not seek professional help because he had been convinced by his pastor that what he was experiencing was “spiritual warfare.” Sigh. However, back then, I doubt the doctors would have linked his behavior to a TBI, which I’ll explain in a bit. The day I went into labor (two weeks before my due date), he refused to believe that I was in labor. He was convinced that demons were the cause of my pain and God was ‘testing’ him. He rushed me to the hospital, still convinced I was not in labor, but that something was wrong with the baby. When we got to the hospital, my water broke. A day after delivering our healthy daughter, he confessed to me he needed help. Carrie, I was so caught up in the joy of being a mom that I told him I didn’t want to talk about it. I had been through so much with him, and I just wanted to be in the moment—a moment of happiness. Those words, along with his mother’s words, would haunt me for many years. I suffered in silence through the years. Often, I compartmentalized for sanity’s sake.

    It took me many years to complete all the stages of grief. The last stage was the hardest. Acceptance. It’s difficult to accept something you don’t understand. I had accepted his death, but not his suicide. I had so many questions. It wasn’t until around 2005 that I began to understand what was responsible for his depression, his behavior, his abuse, and ultimately his final actions. Two years before we met, he had sustained a traumatic brain injury (TBI), diagnosed with a concussion, after being in an accident. He was not knocked unconscious. After several months, the doctors gave him a clean bill of heath (without neurological testing), but in reality, it would take several years before symptoms of TBI would manifest. I didn’t know anything about behavioral changes caused by traumatic brain injuries, nor the fact that someone in America sustains a TBI every 15 seconds. When you have a moment, read “Every 15 Seconds…” posted in the menu of my blog.

    My journey has been about understanding what caused my partner to leave this world in the way he did; about understanding his behavior that lead up to his suicide; about finding forgiveness; and peace of mind. My diligent search to understand, via years of independent research, paid off. Like you, I have transmuted my pain through advocacy work. One never fully recovers from losing a loved one to suicide, but we can use our experiences to make a difference. I suppose I should have turned this into a post on my blog, as it has become quite lengthy *blush*, but I think it will most likely be more beneficial here. Maybe I’ll find the courage to post more personally as you have done on your blog. I admire you for that. You have been an inspiration to me.

    My blog and the research I post, is directly related to a journey that began with my partner, and other incidences I’ve encountered. It’s about understanding how the environment affects hormones, neurotransmitters, neuroplasticity, gene expression, and ultimately behavior and well being. Through the years, I have posted on forums and message boards statements quite similar to what yours regarding depression and other types of mental illnesses. If one has heart disease, for example, they are not discriminated against. If one has a brain disorder, generally speaking, they are. The brain is an organ too, and yet we see little in the way of making mental heath and prevention education a priority in our society. I hope to see that change in the very near future. Research, my blog and advocacy work has not only been my method of therapy and healing, but this journey has given me knowledge, a better understanding about the human condition, a love for humanity, and a peace of mind I never knew before. For that, I am grateful. Silver linings.

    In closing, I’d like to leave a poem Greg left for me under the covers of our bed the day he left this world. Fortunately, I found a copy of this poem online. It was written in the 18th century.
    http://www.poemhunter.com/best-poems/george-crabbe/the-mourner-2/

    Carrie, thanks again for all you do, and I wish you all the success with your book. Clearly, you’ve been a blessing to many. Please stay in touch, and feel free to email me anytime. It’s listed in my gravatar.

    Here’s a *hug* for you.

    ~Victoria ♥

    • thanks, Victoria. I’m sorry for your loss as well. By sharing our losses with others, however, we are making a difference in the world. Taking what we have lost, and helping others gain from it. 😉

  2. Oh hun! This is exactly why I added this page. For others, such as yourself to share their story! #1 because it’s cathartic to share your story with others who understand. and #2 Because your story can be a source of strength and inspiration to others who are going through the same thing.

    I got chills reading your story, and my heart goes out to you. People will read this and many will find a kindred spirit in you, just like I have. The part about TBI – I did not know that! I have learned something valuable from your tragic story.

    Don’t feel bad about it being a long post. If I could give readers the ability to make it a regular post with pictures and all, instead of just making a “comment”, I would!

    Beautiful, tragic poem. I’m so sorry for your loss, Victoria. And I’m so sorry that Greg lost his way. But I am quite hopeful that people like you (and me!) can help others find their way again.

    Bless you, and hugs to you! 🙂

  3. Carrie, thank you for your thoughtful and caring response. I think it’s wonderful that you have added a “What’s Your Story” to your blog. I must admit that I felt lighter after sharing, and yes, it does help to share with those who’ve been there – who can relate. But having an outlet to share also benefits others, as we both know. I’m really impressed with your blog and your passion.

    As I have researched through the years, I have see a bigger picture that would have never been possible had I not gone through this experience. It was like having an epiphany…it was an epiphany. Not just with the knowledge I gained about TBI’s mental illness and neurological disorders – but on many other levels regarding human biology and interactions with environment.

    I forgot to mention, and thinking about something you said in another post reminded me…Greg had attempted suicide about a year before we met. His mother found him in the woods with a shotgun. The same shotgun he used to take his life. This was about a year after his accident. Until that time, he’d never had suicidal thoughts or bouts with depression. I think his mother reacted in the way she did with me because of his previous incident and she felt somewhat responsible.. She was projecting to relieve her own sense of guilt. A guilt that was unwarranted. I didn’t learn of his 1st suicide attempt until months after his funeral. His father told me.

    I also wanted to mention how sorry I was to read about the trials you and your daughter have gone through. You are a very strong woman, Carrie, and your daughter is very fortunate to have you in her life. No doubt she’s a blessing to you as well. My daughter was my source of strength in so many ways while I was going through the grieving process. She still is. We are very close.

    I made this video and wrote the poem to share with others who are in a winter season of their life and who may feel a sense of hopeless. But as you and I know…this too shall pass. I think it would be appropriate to share here, if I may.

    Thanks again, Carrie. It’s a pleasure to meet you. *smiles*

  4. Carrie, again, thank you for your supportive and complimentary words. I appreciate you watching the video and for commenting on my Youtube channel. *smiles*

    I have not posted the video in any of my blog posts. I am touched that you would want to re-blog it.

  5. I admire your courage to discuss and talk about your cause and purpose. These problems are some of the most overlooked, underrated and misunderstood problems in the world. Great job and I’m sure your efforts, your insight, have and are helping many people.

  6. Carrie,

    I wished I checked that authonomy site more often! I’d have been here sooner. This is an excellent site and I thank you for making it. You’re making a difference for someone.

    I’d like to tell you that I don’t have anything to say about the subject of suicide, but that would be a lie. I know more about it than I’d like to. When I was a younger man, I struggled with depression. I lived my life with a fatalistic bent that broke all the rules and when the inevitable consequences of poor decisions came around to call, I’d often consider suicide. Sometimes, the thoughts came on in the black darkness of deep depression and within the confines of hopelessness and despair. Other times they came for almost no reason at all, driving down the road and out of nowhere thinking, “I could remove my seat belt, steer this car off the side of this road right now, and it would finally all be over.”

    If anything saved me from making that decision, it was my best childhood friend, Steve. When we were kids, Steve and I were inseparable. Like many youthful friendships, we drifted apart over the years. We lived in different cities and had different lives and we hadn’t spoken to one another in years.

    I had just turned thirty. I had started a fast paced new career and was working eighty hours a week, obsessed by my own passion and excelling. On a Tuesday night, my dad told me that Steve had called their house and wanted to talk to me. He left his number. He wanted to go fishing or something. I was important and busy and figured maybe I would return his call the following weekend. I read Steve’s obituary in the newspaper a few days later. The day after he called and left a message for me, Steve had went out into the garage, ran a hose from the exhaust into his car window, and killed himself.

    I learned a lot of lessons that week. I learned that you are never too busy or important to return a phone call. Even now, a decade later, I know in my heart that if I had taken ten minutes and made that call and planned a fishing trip with Steve that he might well still be alive. He might not. But, he might, and that is something that will haunt me forever.

    The other huge lesson (and it’s related somewhat to the first one), is that suicide does not diminish pain and suffering. You believe that it will end your pain forever. It doesn’t. It takes all of the pain and suffering that you endure and wraps it up into a neat little thousand pound ball of shit, and when you die, everyone in your life who cares about you gets that weight placed upon their shoulders. Your burden grows even heavier and is set upon the backs and hearts of everyone in your life, to carry and endure. No friend or relative or co-worker is immune from it. Each and everyone of them will live the rest of their lives suffering and carrying the guilt of your actions. They will blame themselves forever.

    If anything should stop someone from committing suicide it should be that. You can’t, even in your darkest hour, wish the kind of hurt that you have suffered to be inflicted upon your children or your spouse or your parents or your siblings or your friends.

    If there is anything else that helped me through my darkest hours of depression, it has been the knowledge that nothing in this life lasts forever. The world does not open up and swallow you, even when you wish that it would. Life is hard, but given the opportunity, it produces moments of perfection, like beautiful works of art. They may not last. But if you give life a chance, and give yourself a chance, those moments will come to you. And in the end, when you are old and gray, you can weave those moments of perfection together into a tapestry, and look back and know that you have lived a life worth while. But you have to stick around to be there for it to happen and you have to open yourself up to the possibility of good things and recognize them when they arrive. Like, my finances are a mess and I’m still unemployed, but the most beautiful hummingbird was on my back porch today.

    Sometimes, it’s just about putting one foot in front of the other and trudging through the hard times toward that next moment. Life can be a beautiful thing if you let it be. Beauty and love and joy and happiness are just around the next corner, the next bend in the road. One foot in front of the other…

    • Buzz! So glad to see you stop by. Thank you so much for sharing your powerful and moving story. No matter how much we tell ourselves and each other that it’s not our fault, we will forever struggle with the feelings of guilt. I am fairly sure I got a phone call from Dan before he died. I will never know for sure, as the phone at work rang, I looked up and figured it was him because the last thing I said to him was “call me as soon as you get home” But, I told myself I couldn’t make it to the phone, and I would call him back later…only i never did…

      What if I had answered it? What if I had called him back within the next few minutes?

      YOur analogy of shifting the pain onto others is spot on! I would like to put a pin in this and maybe write a post later highlighting your experiences as a suicide survivor. You write with such eloquence, that I’m sure you can be a great source of comfort for other survivors, and hopefully a source of encouragement for those suffering from depression. thank you so much for stopping by! 🙂

  7. Pingback: What’s Your Story? | Little Blog of Letting Go

  8. My heart goes out to you. We are all letting go on many levels, emotional and physical. I used to say that time doesn’t help when it comes to dealing with loss of our loved ones, but I’m beginning to change my mind and think that as we grow and change, the distance does help.

  9. Hey Carrie, I didn’t know how to reach you other than this or replying again on my blog to your reply and I was not sure you would see it, so put it here. I loved your reply to my blog post “My burning question” and it made me feel so much better. But since ingesting that (which I already knew was true, it’s just that one continues to question things afterward and forget what is true), I realize that, yes, it does not matter who a person is, or what they accomplish, depression does not care and it is an illness. I know this, and thank you for reminding me. But now that I’ve thought about it, that was not really my burning question. My burning question in my blog was HOW can someone accomplish so very much and all the while severely depressed? I’ve been depressed, I have that problem and get treatment and it can be almost debilitating. But my daughter never displayed signs and accomplished much. HOW can one do this an be depressed? I know it can happen to anyone, it’s like cancer, it doesn’t care who it strikes, it’s an illness, but how can one function so highly and all the while want to die? That was really my burning question. She said in her note she had been depressed ALL her life.

    • Throughout history, many key influential people have struggled with depression. It’s nothing new for someone with depression to also accomplish great achievements in their professional lives. From the top of my head, I am reminded of Van Gogh cutting off his own ear, Hemingway killing himself, the black dog (deep depressions) that haunted Winston Churchill his entire life, and any number of successful and famous rock stars and comedians who ultimately took their own lives. Whether they are truly diagnosed as being bipolar or not, depression often comes in waves of severity, between which the sufferer can achieve tremendous accomplishments, as if they are working thrice as hard to live entire lifetimes in these brief periods of relative emotional and psychological calm. Below is a link to an interesting list of famous people who have struggled with depression.
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_with_major_depressive_disorder

    • I understand, because I wanted to know the same thing after Dan died. He was SO highly accomplished, and he was so completely opposite of what you think of when you imagine a depressed person. He was very much like your daughter, and had never shown any sign of depression. No one could believe it.

      The research that I did led me to two possible reasons. The first and the one that seems most plausible to me, is that although mental illness can definitely begin in childhood, it sometimes will manifest in early to late twenties so suddenly and dramatically, that it takes the person by surprize. And they are so over whelmed by such a forceful and debilitating condition that they have no coping skills or ability to over come it.

      An analogy would be like if you were fine one day, and the next lost both arms and legs in a car accident. IT’s so sudden and dramatic, that you can’t cope. But, if you had been born this way and lived your life wit the condition, you would have had time to adjust.

      I know you said in her note, she said she had felt this way her whole life, but truly suicidal people are not rational in that state and often they exaggerate in their minds the length and severity of their condition. They know this from talking to people who failed in their attempt. Afterward they report a gross exaggeration in their thinking at the time.

      After they have gotten treatment, they say that they now remember it wasn’t always like that, but at the time they wanted to die, it seemed their whole life had been a nightmare, and nothing else existed. They report not even remembering that they had family or friends. It’s like those people don’t even, nor ever did, exist in reality. To get inside the mind of a truly suicidal person, at the moment they commit suicide is a very scary and irrational place to be.

      The other possibility is that your daughter may very well have been depressed since childhood, but remember, many, MANY people live successful lives with depression, just like many people lead successful, productive lives with Diabetes.

      But, if left untreated, both depression and diabetes can become fatal conditions. I promise you, that she did NOT live her whole life with life threatening level of depression. It’s possible that by the time she died, she FELT as if she had, but her mind was not rational. Please believe me, she did not function so highly and all the while want to die.

      We have no way of knowing how long she seriously struggled with thoughts of suicide before she died, but I KNOW with all my heart that it wasn’t her whole life.

      You can email me any time at langecarrie (at) gmail (dot) com

      hang in there, it doesn’t feel like it now, but it WILL get better. There’s nothing to be done about it, you’re going to feel like shit for quite a while to come. It’s perfectly natural and healthy for you. You must go through grief, and there’s no easy way to do it.

      But you CAN and you WILL get through your grief, and you WILL come out stronger on the other side. And you will have your daughter with you still when you get through it. You won’t lose one second of the precious life you had with her.

      hugs and love to you AND your daughter.

      • Thank you both so very much! I hope you both don’t mind that I posted your replies on my blog and my facebook. Thank you!! Your replies have been very helpful to me.

  10. Thank you all for all the insightful posts. Carrie my heart goes out to you, i am feeling with you, my husband of 14 years hung himself on 28 May 2013 and we have 2 daughters aged 10 and 12 and Victoria wow you just opened my eyes to something i never even thought about, TBI, it just never crossed my mind.

    my story started when i was 15 i met my then husband who was 16 but he was a heavy drinker and smoker at that age already and had always boasted how he used to do street boxing and now that i think of it, one continually gets hit in the head, and then nevermind the few motorbike accidents he endured as well, all of that must have had some impact in his brain…

    well he never really gave up the drinking or smoking until his thirties when we were married and had our first stillborn child carried to term, but braindead. i must say my husband was always an agressive and angry type of person and always wanted perfection and patience wasnt a strong point either, he was also a moody type oh and a jealous person to.

    We seemed to be carrying on our lives and coping with our loss, we then had two girls and besides his behaviour not changing much he didnt drink or smoke. we eventually got a chance to move to Cape Town my home town in 2004 and decided as work was really bad in Hartebeesport Dam, it was a good move for all of us.

    but alas something changed in 2008 and im not exactly to this day sure what it was, either another woman, or work stress. i just cant pin point it exactly but the secret drinking started, then staying away from home all hours, then secret smoking started too. My husband would do things or say things and the next day either pretend it didnt happen or maybe didnt know what he did,.. but this behaviour steadily got worse and he was a full blown alcoholic and emotionally abusive, jealous, depressed and to top it off refused to get help, he did get help once, anti depressants but they never worked and he refused to go back. He used antabuse and continued to drink on these.

    i left/seperated from him a few times, then when i did this he would rub it in my face and get himself woman half his age and perade them in front of me, once when i actually caught him red handed, his excuse was oh she is cleaning the place, please.. instead of getting rid of the woman he just closed the door in my face and continued like i wasnt even there, i was mortified. i seperated from him for a long time then, but he just continued to bring them to his home. he would also accuse me of having an affair, even though i never did He even lied the first time when i found the evidence in my bed that he had a wild drinking spree and was out of his mind and no woman was there, but i found lots of evidence of a woman.. he did later actually admit to this. Horrific..

    Anyway also during this time he did mention to me once that he had a dizzy spell at work and fell down the stairs and was concussed for he cant remember how long, and this (Victoria) is what made me think of the TBI you were mentioning.. because really his behaviour in many respects just got more and more irrational, i mean he was being so childish at one point, ok i must i admit he may have been either schizofrenic or bipolar as he was at least 3 people and then one of them would come out and do childish things, like flood the bathroom, lock the door hence flooding most of the house, burning my stuff, destroying the house and telling me it was a burglar? he was really acting very wierd

    Last year March -April he became exceedingly unstable, and i just put it down to mass of alcohol he drank 2 to 3 bottles of hardcore stuff then mixing it with beer or whatever, he would be jealous that i was not at home and start smsing me that he was going to kill himself, he also took to binge cutting, he knew his way around tools, yet he would cut his hand and not seek attention for it. he would climb up a ladder and then sprain his ankle do nothing and refuse help.. eventually getting help as he couldnt walk, but then trying to seek sympathy from me, all this i put down to he tried anything to get attention from me to try to win me back, but i was so not wanting him as he was a constant lier, he would lie like it was the truth, i.e. he said his cell phone and wallet were stolen out the car two days before he hung himself, my daughter saw him use his wallet and card to pay for goods, when he was found, i found his wallet in his back pocket? he swore blind he wasnt lying? so i just dont get it.

    These suicide sms’s kept comming for at least a year and nothing came of them, he cried wolf so many times, and repeatedly refused any help, he had military secrets and couldnt risk speaking to professionals lest they might find them out, he died with those secrets.

    The day before he killed himself, my friend and i tried for hours to convince him to get help. all he could say to us is “dear GOD i just want to be dead” he tried twice with a knife to cut himself, which we took away, we then phoned a rehab “oh sorry you are not high priority, call back in a weeks time” i got him to a gp as you need referrals get help from a psychiatrist..sorry as you have been drinking we cant help you today but we can, my husband took that as no help, switched off.

    On the drive home, spoke his children,. told them he was sorry and the future would be the future. i dropped him off home, took my kids home, that was at 5pm. A friend from his work visited him and told me he was in an ok mood and was glad to be getting help, (he promised me he would do whatever it took to get well again, earlier that day)

    His last sms to me was at 8pm saying thank you and i responded “all i ever wanted was for you to well and happy” – even in his suicide note, he didnt even write like he was going to do it, all he said is he wish he could turn back time and we could all be the same as it was in our younger and happier days.

    Early tues am, 5.50am he was found hanging in his lounge.

    So all in all, i am quite confused, but i can say my husband planned this suicide for a long time, the sunday he took his girls out and told them on the way home, do not cry at my funeral, he sent pleading help sms’s to my mom and she went over to talk to him, he agreed to get help, On the monday he went out and bought 2 more bottles of hardcore stuff, then called me again for help, we all tried our best to help him, but at the end of the day, he just couldnt live for himself, he needed me and girls to be around so he could continue to abuse us mentally and i just couldnt do it anymore my girls had suffered enough.

    I did my utmost best to help him, i stood by him for 30 years, but, you cannot force anyone to live, it has to come from within. I will live with the sight of him hanging there for eternity and never understand why he just refused to get help and for the most part he left us with nothing but a mountain of debt and why’s?

    • Oh, your story breaks my heart. So much pain and torment for all of you. Thank you for the courage to share it. Would you consider being interviewed for this blog? If so, send me an email at langecarrie -at- gmail -dot- com. hugs to you and your children! 🙂

    • Oh Michelle, my heart ached for you and your girls as I read your story. I watched the touching tribute you made to your late husband. I’m profoundly sorry about your tragedy, and admire you for finding the courage to share so personally and so soon. It is quite possible that your partner sustained a TBI. Some symptoms that may manifest with mTBI (concussion) is compulsive and explosive behavior, sensory anomalies, memory loss, behavioral dis-inhibition, domestic violence, and alcohol intolerance.

      Knowing this information is healing in so many ways, and can greatly assist in finding forgiveness for wrongs suffered. Such information shows us how fragile the brain is and how injury to this organ can change a person. We’ve been conditioned by society to judged character first. You are an amazing human being, and your daughters are very fortunate to have a mother like you. Please feel free to contact me via email anytime. I would like to be there for you when you need support. My email addy is posted in my gravatar. Just click on my image.

      With admiration and respect,

      Victoria.

      *hug*

  11. Hi Michelle. Your story is an amazing one. What strength and character you demonstrate for your daughters. The fact that you are already at the point of being able to share speaks volumes about your strength and character. For your girls, it is going to be important that they are able to accept and acknowledge what happened; not only intellectually, but emotionally as well, which might take some time.

    Either way, you are amazingly courageous and your experience might be one that will change lives, as you continue to share it.

    I wish you the best along your journey. And I wish for your girls, great strength, tenacity, and courage as they grow and develop emotionally.

    Take care Michelle.
    Darren

  12. Wow, thank you Darren, i am so heartened by your response, yes, it has been a really tough almost hellish 3 years for both me and the girls, i tried my best to help him but, he just wasn’t strong enough i suppose,

    i have always been open and honest with my girls, as my dad died when i was 15 and it was awful, i never saw him, never got to go to the funeral, hence i always wanted to believe he was still with us, my girls saw there father’s suicide, wasn’t intentional but it happened, lucky only the back of him, it wasnt really unexpected, he made this noose to hang himself, when we once again tried to leave him, he was very controlling and mentally abusive and basically deep down i believe he never meant to kill himself, he was always an attention seeker, i truly think he messed up with his calculations and was actually hoping it would just be a bad accident and that is how i portray it to the girls, because they know he is always hurting himself in some fashion.

    They may not register all this now, but i know later on when they are all grown up it is going to hit them hard.

    i made a video clip on u tube in his memory, perhaps you would like to watch it?

    i hope it works.

    regards
    Michelle

  13. Thank you all so much for your kindness, i have been thinking alot lately why i am not lying in a heap, wanting to kill myself too? because trust me i know grief, i have experienced so many forms and different ways of dealing with death, especially the one of my stillborn child, who was still alive the week before he was pronounced brain dead, i battled to come to terms with this for months, but, after doing much research as i didnt have an ortopsy. i discovered i perhaps had caught a virus at 4 months as i was extremely ill, but only for 2 days then all went back to normal, i had gestational diabetes as my blood sugar was always off, there was no fluid surrounding the baby and i never lost it, the due date kept on changing, when he was inside my stomache he never kicked only a swimming motion and punched me. So i came to realize that GOD had spared my baby and needed a “baby angel” in heaven as poor “Timothy” im sure would have been paralysed. I was on a farm then and forced myself to get up just to bake Timothy a cake, then as the days passed i started to make herb cuttings, i love herbs and had a lovely herb garden in the end i made over a 1000 cuttings, but as all things that season passed, 6 months later i was pregnant again.

    So now why dont i feel like this towards my husband whom i loved dearly since i was 15? well its not to say i dont, i do deep inside. I have come to realize that my strong faith in GOD, that eventually the man who died almost stole from me, is what has kept me dealing with this enormous tragedy.

    I actually lost the real man, the man i so loved in 2008 and GOD has everyday without me knowing it, been helping me to seperate and deal with all the emotions and enabling me to detatch myself and i must say this is the same for our girls. We have been through hell, but the man who died by hanging himself is not the person we knew, that was just a body, my husband spirit and person was taken from me in 2008.

    i am not going to go into detail on Carrie’s blog, but i am most definately going to start blogging about it on my own blog, this morning it hit me, especially when Victoria and Darren made the comments of how strong im being… as my video portrays, i am “smiling on the outside- but inside im dying”

    Hugs
    Michelle
    xx

    • Sigh, reading about you losing Timothy was heart wrenching. That was so lovely of you to baked him a cake. You mentioned that you don’t feel like this towards your husband whom you loved dearly. I can remember when I was going through the stages of grief. I had a hard time with admitting I was angry at Greg; not only for leaving me and our newborn, but for the times he wasn’t himself. I didn’t know then what I know now, and the years of research to understand paid off. I found answers, peace, and authentic forgiveness. Greg will always hold a special place in my heart. He was one of the most compassionate and intelligent people I’d every known. But when his brain was injured, he was no longer in control of his life.

      Michelle, before I got to the part of your last post where you said you were going to start a blog, I was thinking just that. You write so well, and I think that blogging will be very therapeutic. I also would like to suggest that you get involved with a support group. I wished I had done the same. There are so many caring people ready to give a hug, a shoulder, and support in what ever capacity they can. Following Carries blog is a wonderful start. She’s one special human being. But I also hope you will find support in your local community. Thank you for opening up and sharing a part of yourself and your story with us.

      Keeping you in my thoughts,

      Victoria xo

  14. Hi Carrie,

    You’ve got a good thing going here, may God bless you and all those who visit your space.

    Those interested in my story can find it here: http://middlepathofmoderation.wordpress.com/home/about-me-2/my-biography/

    I couldn’t possibly rewrite it here, so I’m leaving the link to my story.

    That said, I just nominated you for:

    Inner Peace
    Most Influential Blogger

    You don’t have to accept the award if it’s not your cuppa tea, but please accept my sincere appreciation of your work.

    Please drop by and check it out here:http://middlepathofmoderation.wordpress.com/2013/07/30/winning-awards-rules/

    Keep up the good work.
    Congrats and cheers!
    🙂
    Sona

  15. I found your link thru the ‘related content’ links that popped up while I was preparing to publish today’s post. Normally I don’t automatically click to add without first checking that the link is appropriate for the content of the post…however, I blindly did just that as I was running behind getting published. I am very happy to see your site now that I have had a moment. I am very impressed. As a former funeral director, I know the need for blogs and specialized websites dealing with death, because there is just a tremendous number of people grieving losses that need help coping. Isn’t the Internet a wonderful place? So much easier to reach folks online, I think. I would like to point people to your site. I will ‘re-blog’ one of your posts if that is acceptable to you?

    • I never even realized about the ability to include “related posts” at the end of articles until I read you post that had one of mine included at the bottom. That’s a wonderful idea, way to give my readers addititoanl great info, and help support other blogs. I plan to start adding links to related articles at the end of my posts as well. I’ve learned so much from other bloggers and look forward to reading/sharing more of your wonderful blog as well! 😉

      • I am brand new to this myself, only starting in May. A complete newbie. Glad I could actually help. Now all I need is some help with why the page layout for my blog went awry. The twitter dealie IS there, but it is way down UNDER the posting screen. An ‘underbar’ instead of ‘sidebar’..sheesh!

Have something to say? Say it! But please be polite. ;-)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s